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he was not a stranger in an alley or some man i had just met so the thought of what he did actually being rape didn't come into my mind untill i started to really fight back. We had been together for three years we have a daughter who was just under two at the time, he had a good job and brought in very good money. I stayed at home with our daughter and went shopping all day and kept the house spotless. looking from the outside you wouldn't see the truth within. If anthing he made me look spoilt and would tell all others how hard his life was with me. But all my family (whom we lived closest to) could see the cracks. My mum couldn't put her finger on it but she just didn't want me or our daughter near him. She was seing all the control that i couldn't. He was smart though, he wouldn't hit he'd use words and coherse me to his ideals and ways of thinking. he tried and very nearly succeded to convince me i was a danger to be alone with my daughter which triggered post natal depression. He'd cheat with others and make me feel worthless. I was forever put on a diet. I was made to wear slutty lingerie on command. Along with that the 'sex' was on command too. Whether i concented or not was of no consequence, it was expected so it had to be done, daily. I would just lie on the bed dressed in whatever he wanted at the time and await instruction as to what he wanted. Then i started to speak up and at times flat out refuse before the rapes started he would just storm off like a baby, complaining and making my life hard at every turn always bringing the reason for his behaviour back to the lack of sex in our lives. one night he had been drinking and smoking drugs. He tried to restrain me in the living room on the sofa with his hands and force and weight of his body but i fought him off. I made my way to the bedroom upset, scared and confused he'd never been this forceful before and i didn't know what he was going to do next. my daughter was asleep in the same bedroom so i was scared for her too. Before i coul think he grabbed me from behind and forced me against the wall. He tried to fondle me and kiss me, i refused and tried to push him off but somehow between the space of the living room to the bedroom he had developed a strength i didn't know anyone could possess. He through me by my hair onto bed and ripped the bottom half of my clothes off me. He kept me pinned down by my neck with his forearm pushing me further into the mattress. Tears were streaming down my face but my sobs and pleas stifled as i didn't want to wake my daughter and have her witness it. I cant remember the duration of the rape but all i have now are the flashbacks of the violence and the way my body was abused as if i wasn't really in it. That wasn't the last time he raped me, the last time was infront of my daughter. that is when i saw it for what it was, not what he made it out to be. which was all my fault in his words.
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