Amelia's Story

At the age of 2 I was taken away from my biological mother and put in a foster home.  There were 10 foster children including me.  There I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused by this foster family.  Although my memories are fuzzy or non- existent, I remember my foster father touching me at the age of 4.  This man also sexually abused his own biological daughter I was told years later.  The foster parents had children of their own, 5, to be exact.  They in turn, especially the sons, whom I called uncles, sexually, physically and emotionally abused their own children.  4 of the children turned out to be alcoholics.  This household was very dysfunctional as well as extremely abusive.  When I was 16 and both foster parents had passed away I was put in their daughter, Fran's, house.  Fran was sexually abused by not only her father (the foster father) but also by her brother.  The sexual abuse in this family was rampant.

I was also raped at the age of 9 or later by the drunken man across the street.  He would give me quarters and touch me.  To this day I still do not see the rape but have had flashbacks of a rape happening to me.

I always wondered why I hated the very person I was.  It was not until I was 40 that I started this journey to healing. My life after I was married was having one affair after another with different men.  I was involved in swinging as well.  When I look back at that behavior I understand why I did what I did.  These men set me up to believe that sex equaled love.  I was desperate for attention, and these men paid attention to me and used me, knowing how needy I was.

 I have stopped acting out with other men.  I refused to hurt the wounded child inside of me any longer.  With each encounter with other men, the shame would soon follow. I have been in therapy since 1987 and have learned so much about why I was the person I was.  I am a more balanced person having been in therapy.  I have dealt with a lot of painful emotions, grief and sadness. Had I not talked, felt those emotions, I would not have healed.  I know today I was never, ever at fault for what these people did to me.  I was an innocent child looking for someone, anyone to love me.  Today, I love the person I am even with all my faults and frailties.  I have learned to stand up to people who are cruel or mean spirited.  I stand up for myself because I believe in who I am and that I do not deserve anything less than respect.

Amelia 2012